Stressed because I relapsed, relapsed because I’m stressed.

I’m tired of always letting myself down. I’m tired of just being tired. I always tell myself that it gets greater later. Later never comes. I’m 35 years old and I still live life by the seat of my pants. I know I have responsibilities but this last year I’ve been trying to keep myself convinced that my ten years younger significant other Will get a job and take on working and paying bills so that I can focus on going too school. I know crazy right. Instead we sleep our lives away cause we’re depressed. Then I get high thinking I will get some productive burst of energy but instead I get stuck looking up nonsense on the computer for two days and then back to hibernating again. Insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I have a duel diagnosis Bipolar 1 and addiction. I can’t fix one thing without treating the other. I don’t know if I have it to be able to successfully take the right steps to obtain mental wellness and sobriety. My family pretty much has thrown in the towel. I’m 35 I can’t say that I blame them. I just want to get it right. My life has been miserable as far back as I can remember.. I honestly i think I like being miserable cause I do the things that cause me to be miserable instead of the things to make me happy.. I feel as if I’m not worthy of pure joy. I don’tknow why it is I feel that way. Hurts, habits, and hang-ups. So this is my first entry and it maybe my last. Depending on how I feel or don’t feel.. I annoy myself. Until next time.